Black Boris Becker of Bodrum

Since the emergence of Scottish wonder Andy Murray I have taken an active interest in tennis. So much so I even paid for private lessons. I now consider myself a player of modest ability. Therefore, I was pleased that the Bodrum resort had a number of tennis courts. Great, I thought. I would bring my racquet with me and play a few friendly games with fellow travellers. No such luck. All the courts were monopolised by German holidaymakers. The Dutch, the English and even the Russians did not have a look-in. I turned up on court, racquet in hand ready to play, but was turned away. It was only the misfortune of a lady who pulled her hamstring that they needed somebody, anybody to substitute for her. I was in the right place at the right time. Thankfully, the German tennis hierarchy were suitably enamoured by my serve and volley technique that I was invited to join their league. For a non-German this was a true honour. It should be noted that these guys who arrived more or less at the same time at the hotel as I, had in that short period set up three leagues of differing ability, with promotion and relegation. They were organised and took their tennis deadly seriously. These Germans had no interest in grabbing the best located sun beds by the main pool or/and beach before anybody else. They were here to play tennis from dusk till dawn. Admittedly, some were able to do both – they were the true multi-taskers. Presently, I am near the top of the third tier of the Tennis Bundesliga (as its known). My aim is to get to the holy grail of the first division. I am reasonably confident of achieving my quest. The reasons for my optimism is that almost all the players are over 55, have had numerous hip replacements between them and one even as an artificial leg (but Hans has more mobility on a tennis court than most people half his age with two legs and he is my main adversary stopping my progress to the top tier). I am fondly referred to as the black Boris Becker. I keep thinking that the only thing we have in common is our penchant for dating beautiful black women. Even that is extremely tenuous; as Boris is a trillion times more successful in that pursuit then I ever was or ever will be. Now I have to come up with a plan in beating Hans. What would be Andy Murray’s strategy in overcoming a 70 year-old one-legged German – I dread to think.