Phuket Diary - Wednesday 7 July 2010

Paul the psychic otopus has predicted a spanish victory against the Germans in tonight's World Cup Semi-final. I am hoping Paul is wrong but I would not be that melechonly if Spain went on to be victorious.

I viewed the match that at the Shipwreck Bar my preferred bar in Phuket

Phuket Diary - Tuesday 6 July 2010

I now have a routine; up at 10am, dress, have a gargantuan breakfast covering the culinary delights across the globe, return to room, have a tsunami of a dump; shower and off to the newly discovered jetty.

Another unique thing about the Amari Resort is that it has this amazing jetty. I suppose an equivalent in England would be Brighton or Blackpool Pier (but obviously smaller). I spend my days here rather than around the swimming pools. Its quieter with fewer people. Women who sunbathe at the jetty tend to be less inhibited and go topless. This would certainly be frowned upon at the two main swimming pools where children are gathered.

I maybe on holiday but I do watch a lot of television. I have particular fondness for the BBC World Service. It is a Home from Home for me. I like to know whats going on in my "Yard" whilst I am abroad. A small criticism of the resort is that for a modern complex they do not have flat screen televisions and the choice of English channels are limited. More sports channels would not go a miss as well.

Tonight is the Netherlands versus Uruguay semi final of the world cup. All the world cup knockout matches in Thailand start at 1.30am which is great, as I can party before the game and party even harder afterwards. It was a good game to watch with the Dutch deserved winners. To celebrate the Netherlands victory I returned to Hollywood nightclub, this time determined not to pick up any female companions especially if they had their own motorbikes.

I strutted my funky stuff (as only someone of my age could do) to the hard core R n B soundtracks. I think my innate natural rhythm prove to be a flame that attracted many moths. However, I simply said I was married with several children. It also helped that I mentioned that I had only 100 bahts in my pocket (less than 3 pounds sterling) which really did the trick.

I made my way home dismissing the numerous offers for a taxi or tuk tuk. The security guards at the hotel must think I am bit of a ladies man particularly after last night's events with "M". The guards smile when they see me and say 'girlfriend' repeatedly. I respond with a stern No. It could be worse the guards could shout out 'Ladyboy' instead.

The Phuket Diary - Monday 5th July 2010

One of the many plus points of Amari is that it has its own small private beach used only by the hotel guests. Fortunately, my room leads onto this small strip of sand. I do find it a privilege that I have more or less my own stretch of beach to play on. I feel like Michael Winner.

If you are in Thailand you are going to have some form of spa treatment. I looked at the spa treatments that Amari have to offer. No question they are very good but are phenomenally expensive compared to what you can find beyond the hotel, which just as good. Equally, the laundry service that the hotel offers starts at 1,500 baht (nearly 20 pounds) whereas the laundry services outside the complex commences at 50 baht. That is one hell of a difference. I was not in the least surprise that most guests at the hotel use the local laundry services. With a little extra they actually iron as well.

At midnight I made my way to Bangla Road and into a nightclub called Hollywood. Again like all western men I was accosted by several beautiful Thai women who wanted to show me a good time. As a man you are extremely flattered by the attention as I know that I am no Denzil Washington. It is hard for any man not to fall for the charms of a local, especially when she is sliding her nubile, lithe young body up and down her genitals. You'll need to drink a tonne of bromide to resist.

I was cavorting with a girl called 'M'. Her Thai name was too difficult to pronounce. She was 22, petite and beautiful. At the end of the night she took me back to my hotel on her motorbike - Christ I thought we were going to crash - her driving was so erratic.

As we pulled up to the hotel I decided that this wasn't for me. In truth I am actually very prudish. I would never do this if I was in England so why lower my morals just because I am in a foreign country, even if every other red-face Englishman is getting is rocks off.

'M' was disappointed that I had a change of heart. She even reduced her fee and promised some "back-door action" if I was into that. I held to my guns and wished her a good night. I returned to my room happy in the knowledge that I did not succumb to the beast inside me. I thought that if I can resist 'M' I can resist anything - I can move mountains. I slept soundly after cracking one off (all men have to satisfy thier needs somehow).

Phuket Diary - Sunday 4th July 2010

After yesterday's nocturnal escapades I woke up around 10am having only 4 hours sleep. I know darn well this will catch up with me.

Breakfast at the Amari was sumptuous. You had everything from the vast assortment of cereals to eggs and bacon to Thai and Indian cuisine. There was something for even the most fastidious palette.

After eating my body weight in bacon omelette's and Thai curry, I gave myself a tour around the hotel. The Amari is a big resort complex spread over several acres. For instance the the distance from my deluxe to the hotel reception and entrance is a good 5 minute walk up a number of stairs. In addition, the accommodation is up on a steep hill so if you have any mobility issues this might be a concern. The staff at the resort are polite and courteous which you expect from a hotel of this standard.

After relaxing around one of the two swimming pools for most of the day, I ventured out to one of the local bars - a 10 minute walk from the Amari. I met 2 lads from Edmonton, North London who had left their mundane jobs in England to travel across SE Asia for a year. I thought they were brave considering the economic climate.

Our conversation eventually lead to the topic of massage parlours. What is with this place that almost every second establishment on the street there is a group of young pretty Thai women (also not so young and not so pretty Thai women) pestering you for a massage of various sorts. The two Londoners informed me that you can have a perfectly respectable encounter with these ladies for a reasonable price.

The three of us were joined by a young Australian who went into graphic detail as to the extras you could have if you so desire. He stated that the normal etiquette is that half way through your massage you ask for "Bum Bum" and the masseur will itemised the things she is willing to do for an additional payment. The young antipodean boasted that he had hundreds of "Bum Bums" whilst in the country. Imagine my surprise when I learnt that he was only 15 years of age and even more shocking he was telling me this as bold as brass in front of his mum who was only a few feet away. 'Boys will be boys' she quipped. She told me that she was originally from Luton but moved to Australia in the early 1980s. She said in the most matter of fact way, whilst assuring me that she was not a racist that it was the blacks and pakis who were taking over the town which made her move half way way around the around the world. "I was losing my heritage and identity" she moaned. I could not help thinking that the Australian Aboriginal must feel the same way with all the foreigners coming into their country.

I took no offence to her remarks and I admired her honesty. We parted on good company at 3am. I brought her and her off-spring Thai whiskey and beer. Christ her son at only 15 (he looked more 21) could drink like a fish. They breed tough down under.

The Phuket Diary

Friday 2nd & Saturday 3rd July 2010

Its a long journey from Heathrow to Phuket. You travel to Bangkok which takes 11 hours and then you take an internal flight to Phuket which adds another hour or so to an exhausting trip. You need 2 weeks just to recover. I left Heathrow on Friday at 10pm British time and arrived eventually at Phuket Airport on Saturday 5.15pm Thai time.

My own private mini-bus was waiting for me which drove me an hour away to Amari Coral Beach Hotel, a 4 star resort located on the outskirts of Patong Beach. I was pleasantly surprised to have my room upgraded from a superior to a deluxe. My first impressions of my accommodation was that it was a well appointed room with all the luxurious that a 4 star hotel should be equipped with. I was further bowled over by the towel decoration of an elephant on the bed and the small buffet left for me on the coffee table. Full marks for the Amari for their customer service. The long flight with Eva Airways was now distant memory.

After quickly getting familiar with my surroundings and filling myself with the exotic spread laid on for me, I decided to take a bold step on my first night and venture down the infamous Patong Beach and in particular the notorious Bangla Road. It is good 20 minute walk from the hotel. This busy street late at night is something to behold.

I was propositioned at least a dozen times by so called lady boys (or I think they were). They were the most beautiful creatures - slim, refined with gorgeous breasts. You had to jolt your senses to remind yourself that these are Transsexuals both pre and post snip. Nonetheless they were wonderful to look at.

It seemed that there were all colours of the rainbow here on this small strip. Most were looking for some sort of action. As I guessed, there were a preponderance of middle-aged men who had seemed a long time ago to lose the will to exercise with their bulging waistlines. They were accompanied in most part by beautiful young Thai women who looked lovingly in their eyes and probably on their wallets. I suppose both get what they want - men get to have and hold attractive local girls and the women an escape from grinding poverty for security with an elderly European. In reality it's a fair compromise, a mutual contract which is never spoken about but everybody knows.

I ventured into a night club called Tiger. They are filled with 'working girls' aiming to be picked up by any man willing to pay for her drinks and to be taken back to the man's hotel for a price. If you are looking for a Mills and Boone romance in these pick-up joints forget it! What you have is a business transaction with a drop-dead gorgeous Thai girl for a night.

I myself was not tempted even though it is offered on silver plate with bells on. In truth you do not need to be George Clooney or Brad Pitt to get lucky. Men in their home countries who would have more chance of winning the Euro Jackpot than winning the hand of a beautiful fair maiden can with enough cash, in the Land of Smiles go out with an equivalent of an Angeline Joline.

You can see why single men (and more often married men) flock in their thousands to come here. Its a temptation hard to resist for most males. For me as an observer it was fascinating to watch.

I did not return to my crisp white blankets of my very comfortable king size bed until six in the morning. Crumbs it has been one hell of a first night in Phuket!!

Phuket Diary - 6 July 2010

Its my third day in this wonderful country. I feel so welcomed by the convivial and friendly Thai people (especially the women). I arrived on Saturday the 3rd July after a 12 hour flight from Heathrow to Bankgok and then an internal flight to Phuket - Another hour and 20 minutes on top. Its a bloody long journey. But 72 hours after my plane touched the tarmac of Phuket International Airport I would of journeyed twice the distance. Up to date it has been a most memorable trip.

My first night I

Thailand Here I Come

After the debacle of England being soundly thrashed by the Germans at the World Cup and Andy Murray being comprehensively beaten by the Spaniard Rafael Nadel in the Wimbledon semis, I needed to go far from the madden crowd to contemplate Britain's sporting demise. Phuket in Thailand I considered to be the best option to rinse away my sporting blues.

I will be writing a diary about the best and most memorable parts of my trip to this exotic country. Rest assurred I will leave in the gory details.